Sometimes it does not go well with your child at all. He or she regularly exhibits undesirable behavior, to which you react with being angry and punishing. But it does not seem to help. You end up in a circle of punishments and negative behavior. Or worse, a spiral, a spiral in the wrong direction. How do you break this? By doing something different than getting angry or punishing.
But that is easier said than done. Because you do not end up in the same situation with your child for nothing. Often there is also an automatism in your behavior. A pattern so to speak. Your child does something and you always react in the same way.
And the movie is played again. Recognizable? I can still remember that very well when my children were younger. You end up in a film, you know how it ends and you do not seem to be able to turn it around. I felt so helpless then.
What it takes to be able to do something else is first to know why you do so. Research is needed for this. A look inside yourself. Ask yourself after a confrontation with your child: “What did I think of the behavior of my child, what thoughts did I have? What did I feel? What did I do next and what did I say? What did I want to achieve? “
Your thoughts are usually disapproving. You find it unacceptable, it is not allowed. Or even stronger: it has to stop and now! Just pay attention to how your thinking can take hold in such a situation. “I have to stop this now”. Or “has he gone completely crazy? If this continues then … “
Even without being aware of it, there are emotions under it. Fear, irritation, powerlessness, grief, it can be anything. Fear that your child is going to do something wrong, fear that you are not in control of your child. Irritation because he is so different from you, because he does not seem to understand that you do not want that. Powerlessness, because it is the umpteenth time that this happens and you do not seem to be able to change that. Sadness because he gets in the way of his negative behavior.
These feelings say a lot about you. You react as you do, because you are you. That is why it makes sense to investigate these feelings. Where do they come from? What touches you like that? This will help you track down old patterns within yourself. Maybe you will be hit, because you were not listened to as a child. Or because you did not feel taken seriously. Or is there an old fear of not being understood under your irritation.